Fight-proof your relationship
Hey, it’s Mike Fiore…And in this section I’m going to tell you how to “Fight-Proof” your relationship with a man so you never fall into stupid fights and anxiety and anger again. . .
Sarah asks:
“I want to talk to my boyfriend about how he is suddenly treating me or not treating me. According to the ’how to tell if he re- ally loves you’ he does love me. He does all of the steps except actually saying the words that he loves me.
“He still makes plan for the future with me.
“However lately he doesn’t seem to care about what I want or how I feel, and our conversations and time together seems strained. I want to ask him what is going on with him but I’m afraid it will drive a bigger wedge between us. Is he loses the feelings he felt for me, or is it a phase.
How do I start the conversation of how I feel and what I need from him in return, and where we are going as a couple since he doesn’t mention that anymore?”
Hey Sarah, Thanks so much for your question and honestly, congratulations.
By using our little “Does He Really Love You” tool, you get to address the problems in your relationship from a realistic place instead of from a place of anxiety.
Now let’s dig into your question by breaking it down into a couple parts:
Part 1: How to get a guy to do what you want without starting a fight. . .
Let me tell you a story about a trip to Mexico I took recently.
A couple weeks back my (awesome) girlfriend and I took a trip down to Cancun for a “business trip.” (It was a lot of fun.) And while we were there, we got into a little fight. And the reason we got into a little fight was because she hit me with a stick when she should have offered me a carrot. See, we were in a bar in Cancun with a bunch of other folks from the conference when I glanced over and saw my girlfriend in conversation with a guy.
In the past, we’ve had a small problem because she feels like whenever I see her talking to a guy I come over and “mark my territory” by wrapping my arms around her or otherwise making it VERY clear that she’s MY woman when she’s just having an innocent conversation. (Personally, when I was single I always appreciated it when guys let me know a girl was taken, but whatever.) Anyway, this time I glanced over, saw she was talking to a guy and very specifically did NOT go over and interrupt or interject into their conversation in any way.
I was pretty proud of myself. Until five minutes later, when she came over and all hell broke loose.
See, my (awesome) girlfriend came over and said, “Mike, I really need you to not do that thing you do where you get all lovey on me when I’m talking to someone.”
And all of a sudden I got mad. Because I DIDN’T do that thing and I was getting “yelled at” for it anyway.
What my girlfriend SHOULD have done was come over to me and say, “Hey, thank you so much for not coming over and getting all handsy on me while I was talking to that guy about business stuff. You’re awesome. I love you.”
In other words, she should have used POSITIVE reinforcement instead of NEGATIVE criticism.
And this can apply to your situation too. If you go to your guy from a place of anger, pain and criticism it’s going to put him on the defensive and make him “blow up” the way I kind of did.
But if you go to him praising him for whatever little thing he’s doing right, it gives you a chance to broach the topic in a less confrontational way.
So…
Bad: “I feel like you’re ignoring me!!”
Good: “It’s really great knowing how much you love me.”
But then that brings us to the second part of your question:
Part 2: Is he losing feelings for you or is it a phase?
Well, I don’t know.
And neither do you.
And neither does he. In any relationship there’s going to be ebbs and flows in the feelings you have for each other.
There’s going to be days you wake up INCREDIBLY in love and obsessed with your man.
And there’s going to be days you wish you could replace him with an animatronic teddy bear.
And the same goes for him. But here’s a few principles:
- What he’s going through probably has very little to do with you or how he feels about you at all. (He’s obviously got something on his mind.)
- He’s “going internal” because a lot of guys simply don’t know how to share their feelings or are afraid of being judged. So what do you do? For now I’d recommend something along the lines of making him a little card that says. . .“Seems like you’ve been going through something lately. Just wan- ted to let you know how much I love you no matter what it is.”In other words, show support without “prying.” If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to bring out the big guns and flat out tell him “I know you love me, but I really need you to talk to me.”
It might blow up in your face, but at least you’ll get somewhere.
Flipping the switch: From self-loathing to massive happiness in one simple step
I was sitting on a beach in Mexico when it hit me how much I hated myself.
Which kind of sucked.
Because I should have been happy. I should have been ecstatic.
After years of struggle and poverty and horrible, horrible physical pain (Note: Getting hit by a semi truck sucks), I finally had it. I finally had everything I ever thought I wanted.
I was 30 years old, I was in good shape. I had friends, professional success, fun toys, plenty of free time, and a collection of ridiculous hats totally appropriate for a man with no hair. . .
Even better, I was one of only two guys on a yoga retreat to Sayulita and was spending my days stretching and snorkeling and surfing and chugging margaritas with a bevy of beautiful, intelligent, passionate (and flexible) women.
I should have been happy. I should have been doing a victory a lap around the mess that was my twenties and crowing to the moon about how I finally made it past childhood trauma and adulthood disappointment to become a success.
But I just couldn’t do it.
Nope. Instead of being happy, I was miserable. Angry. Emotionally nauseous and–worse yet–viciously angry at myself for not waking up to how good I had it.
One night, I found myself sitting on a log alone watching the waves come in. Everyone else had gone on to a bar to order large amounts of booze in broken Spanish, but the bile in my throat and the voice in the back of my head wanted me to be alone.
Alone and vulnerable.
It was pitch black but for the shine of the moon off the water, and all I could feel was the bottle in my hand, the bourbon in my gut, and the tension in my jaw threatening to crack my teeth.
I’m man enough to admit it I had tears in my eyes.
“Why?” I thought to myself in a silent whisper. “What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just enjoy this?”
It was a rhetorical question, so I was pretty shocked when I got an answer. It came in a voice as dark as tar and as toxic as poison.
“Because you don’t deserve it,” the voice in the back of my head grumbled. “Because, Mike, you’re evil and dangerous and anyone stupid enough to love you deserves to be hurt.”
I closed my eyes and I could finally see it: what I really thought of myself. Not a man or even a boy, but a creature with claws and teeth and a cruel, cruel grin. A creature whose only glee came from clawing at my heart and pulling me down and reminding me to never, ever feel even one moment of joy.
I flew home a few days later feeling like I’d gotten into a fist fight with Godzilla (Godzilla won). The whole flight home, my brain stormed and I counted down the hours until I could go see my therapist.
“How are you?” she asked as I walked in the room, her eyes half squinting as she searched my face.
For an hour I let the words flow out like a dying breath, rambling at Speedy-Gonzalez pace, desperate to get every hatred and criticism and imagined crime out of my heart and into the world.
And finally, after minutes that felt like days, I looked my therapist in the eyes and said:
“I’m so sick and tired of hating myself and beating myself up and punishing everyone around me, and I’m wondering what would happen if I just decided to stop and actually LIKE myself for a little while, instead.”
And my therapist (who’s awesome and is now a championship lawn bowler – just a side detail) looked at me with kind eyes and a half smile and said, “Well, that would be interesting, wouldn’t it?”
And so I did.
Right then and there I decided to try liking myself – maybe even loving myself – for a while.
And at first the creature in my head and my heart raged like an angry lion and dragged its claws against the inside of my skull.
But instead of fighting I did something kind of weird.
I pointed and laughed.
I dressed it up in clown shoes and ugly makeup and mocked my self-loathing like I’d mock Jerry Bruckheimer if I saw him doing chainsaw ballet.
And suddenly a weird thing happened. Suddenly I felt this glowing freedom rising in my chest and this crazy, irrational smile pulling hard at the corners of my mouth.
Suddenly I felt. . . happy. Joyful. Ecstatic.
For the next two weeks, I walked around on a love high. My friends asked me what the heck had happened, my enemies got confused when I was actually nice to them. And that beast in the back of my brain shrunk and shriveled and wasted and cried.
Of course, it wasn’t exactly as easy as that. Every time I’d fail at something or feel ashamed about something or feel like some woman was getting close, I’d feel that creature kick. I’d feel that bile on my tongue.
But now. . . years later. . . here I am with nothing to cage and nothing to burn.
A string of broken relationships turned into one amazing love with the girl of my dreams. And years and years of anger and pain turned into. . .
Something simpler. Nicer. More wonderful.
I’m not into the “woo woo” stuff a lot of my friends are, but I am into this one simple fact:
Happiness is a choice. Liking yourself (loving yourself) is something you choose to do. And no one can make you miserable or happy but you.
Thanks. -Mike Fiore
