The Fight Translator

The Fight Translator 

We’re going to get to steps that will change your whole idea about what a relationship should be (and make it MUCH easier to actually be happy) in just a second.

But, really quickly, it’s time to do a little magic in the form of what I call “The Fight Translator.”

The Fight Translator is a really simple tool where we take what we THINK we’re fighting about and translate it into the actual deep, dark, and dirty emotional muck that’s actually driving us nuts and making us wonder what it would be like to drag a razor blade across our partner’s eyeball. (Ew.)

 

Here’s how it works. . . 

Step 1: Pick one of your “favorite” fights.
The fight you’ve had at least a dozen times with the man or woman you love (and it’s always the same damned fight again and again and again).

Step 2: Write down what you THINK the fight is about.
(Or what you thought the fight was about before you read these breath- less, golden pages.)

For example:

Mark writes down, “Mary is late ALL THE TIME. She was late for our damned wedding. Why can’t she just be on TIME for something ONCE? Doesn’t she realize how RUDE it is?”

For another example:

Mary writes down, “Mark just lives in his own world. We go out to a dinner or a party or something, and he’s on his cell phone the whole time. I wish he would just. . . ”

Step 3: Use the five “things we really fight about” categories above to translate the fight from the action your partner does that bothers you so much to the actual emotional stuff that’s rattling around in your brain and causing the REAL problem. 

For example:

Mark’s BIG FIGHT is that Mary is late all the time (for everything. I mean, really. Can’t she just leave five minutes earlier instead of sitting on the couch?). Looking at the list, Mark figures out that the reason Mary’s being late all the time BOTHERS him so much is because…

  1. He feels like she’s disrespecting HIS time and the effort he puts into being on time for things
  2. He feels like he’s being lumped in with her as somebody who’s “always late,” even though he’s usually one of those anally on-time people who sets his watch by the atomic clock

For another example:

Mary’s BIG FIGHT was that Mark doesn’t obey social norms and spends all his time out in public on his damned iPhone.

Using the Fight Translator, Mary figures out that the reason this bothers her so much is because. . .

  1. It doesn’t meet the expectations she had about what the man of her dreams was going to be like. (Prince Charming wasn’t addicted to his cell phone.)
  2. She’s afraid of what having a boyfriend who doesn’t obey social norms says about her

Let’s do one more example:

Tiffany always gets mad at Todd for looking at other women when they’re out in public. (Todd really should know better and be more subtle. Yes, ALL men look at other women, but the smart and properly-socialized ones among us are subtle about it. Todd’s an idiot.)

Using the Fight Translator, she decides that the REAL reason it bothers her so much is because it punches her self esteem in the face and brings up feelings she’s always had about not being pretty enough.

Step 4: Create a clear line separating the ACTION your partner does that triggers your emotions and the actual emotions themselves. (This goes back to the idea that nobody can MAKE you feel anything unless you let them.) 

For example:

Mark would usually say, “Mary is always late and it makes me feel really disrespected and angry.”

But he changes that to. . .

“Mary is always late. I feel really disrespected and angry.”

I know, I know. It’s kind of cheesy. But it works. I promise. The key is to realize that your partner really does NOT have the power to make you feel anything unless you let them.

Step 5: Decide if this is worth fighting about and if fighting about it will actually cause any change in the behavior. 

Is Mark yelling at Mary about being late actually going to make her stop being late when it NEVER has before? Is this a fight that Mark wants to live and die on or is it something he can just let go?

Is Tiffany causing a stink at the restaurant going to get Todd to stop looking at other girls? Or does Tiffany have the self esteem to know that she’s smoking hot and the confidence to realize that Todd looking at another girl isn’t about her?

(Tangentially: the best way to handle this situation the first time it hap- pens is to say, “She’s cute, isn’t she?” Drives guys nuts.)

(Double tangentially: If you want a guy to stop being so damned obvious about checking out other girls, you need to bring it up calmly, not in a fight.)

(Triple tangentially: If you want a woman to not get mad at you for checking out other girls, you need to make sure she catches you check- ing HER out at least as often AND be way more subtle and respectful about it when you look at other girls. Duh.)

 

Deal Breakers: What You Should NEVER Compromise Or Give In On 

OK, now that we’ve talked about WHY we fight, the difference between fights, arguments, disagreements, and wars, the core principals of a happy relationship, and a bunch of other stuff. . .

Let’s run smack dab into a brick wall of misery.

Like I said before, “Love isn’t always enough.”

And one of the worst things I see again and again and again are men and women who give up too much of who they are in a relationship…who compromise on the fundamentals of who they are. . . or who even make themselves “love victims,” putting up with emotional or even physical abuse because “I love him/her.”

So before we go any further (and with full knowledge of everything else we’ve already talked about), I want you to make a list of exactly three DEAL BREAKERS in your love life and in your relationship.

These are the things that you absolutely, 100% will not bend or break on in your love life.

Which means. . .

  • They have to be BIG.
  • They have to be REALISTIC.
  • And they have to be SHARED with your partner. There’s absolutely no point at all in having deal breakers that are “secret” or with “as- suming” that your deal breakers are just common sense. Because they’re not.

So…

 

Step 1: Write out a short list of IMPORTANT things that are deal breakers for you in your relationship and why. And be HONEST.

For instance, Fiona is doing the Deal Breaker exercise.

She starts off by thinking about her past relationships and starts listing out things she will not put up with under any circumstances.

QUICK NOTE: There are two deal breakers that you get for free: physical abuse (being hit or physically abused in any way) and emotional abuse (being manipulated, belittled, torn down, gaslighted, or otherwise emotionally shat upon). No amount of love is enough to put up with that crap. 

Her initial list says:

  1. Kids. BECAUSE I know I would never feel complete in my life if I didn’t have children.
  2. Cheating. BECAUSE I respect myself too much to be with someone who doesn’t respect me.
  3. Getting fat or not taking care of yourself. BECAUSE I want to live a long life with you, and I want to keep being as attracted to you in the future as I am now.
  4. Lying. BECAUSE I want to live a life of absolute and total honesty where we share EVERYTHING.
  5. Porn. BECAUSE I want to be the absolute focus of your erotic life and because I feel inferior to those women.
  6. Drugs and alcohol. BECAUSE I saw what alcoholism did to my dad and because I want the real you, not the altered you. An occasional drink or a little weed is no big deal, but I can’t be with a man who does heavy drugs.

(And she can go on from there.)

 

tep 2: Decide if your deal-breaker list is realistic. 

Fiona then sits down and asks herself if her deal-breaker list is actually realistic. Could the man she’s with (or the man she wants to be with) ac- tually fulfill this stuff, or would she be throwing out a good relationship with the bathwater?

I think there are actually two HUGE problem areas in Fiona’s deal- breaker list. . .

The LYING one. And the PORN one.

The lying one actually isn’t too bad, but it’s not specific enough. Listen, we’re human, and humans lie. We lie to people we love. We lie to people we hate. We lie to ourselves (a lot).

If Fiona wants to have lying on her deal-breaker list, she needs to make it specific and say:

“Lying about the important things. BECAUSE I need to know where you’re really at in your life. And I promise not to overreact when you tell me the truth.”

And then actually define what the important stuff is.

The porn deal breaker is also problematic because. . . well, because pretty much all guys on this planet watch porn.

 

Step 3: Pare your list down to the three REAL deal breakers (plus the abuse ones, because you should never put up with that). 

This is the hard part, because it means giving up a few things that you think are deal breakers now.

Fiona looks at her list. She ends up taking the porn one off the list because it’s unrealistic. She adjusts the lying one.

Note that just because something isn’t on your deal breaker list doesn’t mean it’s not important. It just means it’s not a “live and die” item.

She keeps the KIDS item because it really is fundamental to who she is and who she wants to be. She NEEDS to be a mom to be happy.

She COMBINES the “drugs and alcohol” and “getting fat” items into “Taking care of yourself and loving you as much as I love you BECAUSE I need to be with someone who is striving for happiness and is truly motivated. That means taking care of your body, taking care of your mind, and staying healthy for me and for our future family.”

That means she only has one slot left.

She thinks long and hard about this one, but ultimately decides to drop the cheating item from her list because “Lying about the important stuff” is way more important and because she realizes that while she could never be with a serial cheater, she knows life is complicated and some- times people stray.

 

Step 4: Sit down with your partner (who’s also done this exercise) and go over your deal breakers together. 

Next, Fiona sits down with her boyfriend Ben and they go through their deal breakers together.

She explains in plain language how important it is to her to have kids.

How important it is to her to be with someone who takes care of them- selves.

To be with someone who is open and honest about the important things, even if he thinks it’s going to hurt her.

And she also talks about how she would NEVER put up with physical or emotional abuse.

Ben then lays out his own deal breakers. His are…

  1. Constant,hurtfulcriticismBECAUSEhewantstobewithawoman who loves him for him and isn’t trying to form him into something he can’t be.
  2. Staying in shape BECAUSE even though it might be shallow, it’s important to him to have an attractive woman on his arm, and he never wants to find himself not being attracted to her.
  3. Kids BECAUSE he really wants to be a dad.

(Plus the abuse stuff.)

They also discuss the stuff that almost made the list.

Scary, huh? But you’ll be amazed at how just getting this stuff out there makes it SO much easier to have a good relationship.

The key is that you have to be both HONEST (“yes, it would be hard for me to stick around if you got fat”) and realistic (Ben didn’t put down, “I need a woman who desperately wants me to sleep with other women”).

And, of course, you revisit your deal breaker list once a year. It’ll change.

 

How To Fight-Proof Your Relationship 

OK, now it’s time to get to the more step-by-step stuff. Yes, I’m going to give you SOME stuff you can use when a fight starts to keep it from becoming something awful. But most of what you’re going to get in this section is way more about fight PREVENTION than it is about what to do when a fight actually happens.

In fact, it’s basically Fight Inoculation.

(And no, inoculations don’t cause autism. Jenny McCarthy is a horrible person who has unknowingly caused the deaths of quite a few kids, and she should be ashamed of herself for her anti-science ranting. It bothers me. Obviously.)

So how do you keep your relationship from becoming a war zone. . .

  1. Forgive them for being human. Forgive yourself, too

 

OK, a quick story for you.

A married couple walks into a therapist’s office for their first session (let’s call them Bob and Carol).

They’re in their mid-50s. They’ve been married for 25 years. They’ve had a couple of kids who are in college.

And it really seems like Bob hates Carol.

See, as soon as they sit down on the couch, Bob gets fire in his eyes and starts complaining about Carol. . .

“She’s gotten fat,” he snarls (ignoring his own beer gut).

“She needs to get a better job and make more money,” he says while stomping his cheap shoes on the carpet.

And he goes on and on from there.

“She needs to be nicer. She needs to put more time into her appearance. She needs to be more adventurous in bed. She needs to be better, better, better!”

He goes on for 15 minutes. His face gets red and puffy. He barely takes a breath.

And the whole time, Carol just sits there with her hands folded in her lap. She’s as still as a frightened bird. She doesn’t say a thing.

Finally, Bob winds down, and they both look at the therapist expectantly.

The therapist is new. It’s one of his first cases.
His palms start sweating. He has no idea what to say. And then finally (after what feels like an hour), he says:

“Bob, if Carol was this amazing, astonishing woman, if she had the body of Claudia Schiffer and the brains of Albert Ein- stein and the bank account of Bill Gates. . .

If she was the perfect lover, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect woman. . .

If she was EVERYTHING you’ve been ranting about about. . . If she was 110% AMAZING. . .
Then what the HELL would she want with a schlub like you?” Silence.

Bob blanches white. His jaw drops.
Carol falls to the floor laughing like a maniac.
And the doctor thinks he might just be on to something.

OK, why am I telling you this story? For a couple reasons, actually:

  1. Because I think it’s an awesome story. =-) (It is a paraphrased-from-memory version of a story in Dr. Frederic Luskin’s book Forgive for Love.)
  2. I get emails every day from men and women talking about how much happier they’d be if their spouse or the man/woman in their life would just CHANGE.

But you know what?
At a certain point, people really do stop changing.

In fact, after 30 or so we just keep becoming more and more who we already are.

Now that doesn’t mean we can’t change some behavior or some relatively minor things about ourselves.

We can gain weight or lose weight. We can practice meditation to get more patient. We can learn tantric sex tricks.

But at that point, we’re basically, fundamentally who we are (and on our way to becoming even more so).

And the key to becoming HAPPY and having a GREAT relationship is to: 

  1. Forgive your PARTNER for being human (and therefore flawed and irrational and crazy. . . )
  2. Forgive YOURSELF for being human (and therefore flawed and ir- rational and crazy.)

“But Mike,” you might be saying, “He doesn’t DESERVE my forgiveness. He hurt me SO much by making out with that girl at that party!!”

Or “Mike,” you might grunt, “I don’t WANT to forgive her. She #$@$ed up when she forgot to come to that big dinner, and I LOVE the power I have over her, making her walk on eggshells to make up for it.”

Suck it up, kids. Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. And it’s not about condoning what somebody else did either. Forgiveness is about releas- ing yourself from the POWER that other person has over you.

As long as you’re holding a grudge over somebody and demanding they apologize or fantasizing about revenge, you’re giving them INCREDIBLE power over you. And only by truly forgiving them – saying to yourself that you’re not angry at them and letting it go – do you have any chance of moving on and being happy.

 

2. Focus on the positive (what do you LIKE about your partner?) 

I have a program called Text The Romance Back that I went on TV for a couple years ago. It’s a fun program. It teaches you how to use text messages to bring all that lovely fun romance back into your life.

And the VERY FIRST types of texts I talk about in that program are called Appreciation Texts.

They’re actually pretty simple. You just (randomly, out of nowhere) send the man or woman in your life texts telling them what you truly, un- doubtedly LIKE or LOVE about them.

And they’re like nuclear-powered magic crack.

I mean, seriously. I get emails every day from men and women saying just sending a couple simple appreciation texts painted wide joker-like smiles on formerly dour faces and had them mashing their bodies to- gether like some weird Picasso painting.

The fact is, it’s WAY too easy to take your partner for granted…to fall into a pattern of “of course you know I love you.” To only ever talk to your partner about what you DON’T like and what you want them to CHANGE.

So here’s what I want you to do. . .

 

Step 1: List out EXACTLY what you really LOVE about your partner. 

No equivocating. No “I love her body, but I wish she would lose five pounds.” No “He’s really kind, but I wish he was more ambitious.”

Just list out what you REALLY like about him or her. Be exhausting. Be specific.

 

Step 2: Next time you tell your partner “I love you,” turn it into “I love you because. . . ” and fill in the blanks. 

“I love you because you’re such a damned good dad.” “I love you because of the way you smile at me.”

“ I love you because you have the greatest ass in three states and four territories.”

“I love you because I always feel safe around you.” Whatever. Try it. Do it. See what happens.

Make this a DAILY practice. Every day, tell your partner what you LOVE or LIKE about them. Have fun with it. Get goofy with it.

And realize that it’s like building a love bank. Every time you put ap- preciation into your relationship, you’re earning interest that’s going to keep you from ripping out each other’s throats later.

What I really like about this exercise is that it solves one of the BIGGEST problems in relationships in the first place.

If you APPRECIATE your partner this way it helps them. . .

  • Know how you FEEL about them (No more “Do you really love me?”)
  • Know you RESPECT THEM (which is REALLY important for guys. Actually, ladies, make sure you give him appreciation about his PASSIONS – his job, music, books, guns, stupid pro wrestling, whatever.)

3. ALWAYS have your partner’s back (even when they’re “wrong”)

Fiona stormed in with fire in her eyes. . .

“My boss is such an ASSHOLE. I can’t BELIEVE he made me work late tonight just because the Barringer report had a couple typos. Ugh. I’m so fucking MAD.”

OK, let’s pretend we’re Fiona’s husband James here for a second.

James is a business owner. James TOTALLY understands why Fiona’s boss made her work late.

James has two options:

Option 1: He can say, “Well, the report HAD to be done right, honey. This is the whole company’s reputation on the line. Stop being a brat.”

   OR…

Option 2: He can say, “Yeah, he’s a total fucking prick. Come here and let me give you a hug and get you bath.”

Which one is “right?”

I know, I know, you want your partner to be more rational and evolve and blah blah. But that’s not your job. Your job as somebody’s husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend is to ALWAYS have their back, at least in the moment.

If your girlfriend comes home ranting about their asshole boss, then their boss is an asshole.

It’s really not that complicated. If your partner KNOWS you’re going to take their side (and you should ALWAYS take their side) a lot of the tension and BS just flows out of the relationship.

Tangentially: Don’t always try to fix things. . . (men do this all the time)

Quick story:

A couple years back, I came home on the warpath. I’d had a real estate deal go wrong and it was going to cost me a bunch of money. I was on a tear. I was mad. I was seeing red. My girlfriend was in the kitchen cooking, and after I spat and clawed and raged for a minute she looked at me and said. . .

“Well, do you want to bitch about it or do you want to fix it?”

And in my WHINIEST voice I said, “I want to bitch about it, dammit!!!”

It’s not your job to make your partner happy. It’s not your job to fix what’s wrong in their life. It’s your job to be on their side and to be supportive. Which is actually way easier.

 

4. Brutal Honesty Dates 

Like I said at the beginning of this program, this is called “Never Fight Again,” not “Never Disagree Again.”

Undoubtedly there’s going to be stuff that comes up in your relationship that bothers you. What a lot of couples do is bury this stuff under the carpet. They pretend everything is fine day in and day out. They tell each other they’re perfect.

And then one day the bombs come out. The stress builds up enough that they just can’t take it anymore. They lash out with lasers and vicious words and somebody ends up sleeping on the couch and somebody else ends up with a new tattoo.

I’m not a fan of that.

What I’m a fan of instead are what I call “Brutal Honesty Dates.”

And Brutal Honesty Dates are just what they sound like. They’re dates that you actually SCHEDULE ahead of time where you each get to vent about what you’re not happy about in the relationship.

I know, I know, you just felt ice go down to your sphincter at the idea of actually telling your boyfriend or girlfriend (or husband or wife) that things aren’t PERFECT. They’re going to FREAK OUT.

But they probably won’t. And even if they do, do it anyway. Because the alternative is worse. The alternative will give you a heart attack and make you buy a divorce lawyer a new Ferrari.

And if you bring up problems in a kind and compassionate (and sober) manner, the odds of it turning into some crazy fight that sends your kids to therapy for 15 years go way down.

So here’s what you actually do. . .

  1. Have your partner read this program (way easier than trying to explain everything yourself, right?)
  2. Set a time when you’ve got at least an hour or two for just the two of you together to hang out in a private place and talk. (NOTE: My good friend Claire Casey actually recommended doing these dates in a PUBLIC place where you can have a serious conversation without fear of being attacked or the other person blowing up. It’s up to you which way you want to go.)
  3. Never break a brutal honesty date unless somebody is bleeding and has to go to the hospital.
  4. When the date starts, take turns talking about the relationship, what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re happy about, what you’re not happy about, etc.

Here are the rules:

  1. Sit close together during the conversation. I recommend actually cuddling on the couch or something to that effect. The reason for this is to maintain connection and to keep your body language from seizing up or getting defensive.
  2. Criticize the action or the situation that’s bothering you or that you want to change, not the actual person you love.For example: “It really bothers me that you bought that iPad when we can’t afford it and when we’re trying to save money” is better than “Why are you such an idiot with money???”This is really important because the moment you ATTACK your partner you turn this from a honest conversation to a FIGHT (and that’s the last thing we want).
  3. Use the Fight Translator above to talk about WHY it bothers you. “I feel like you don’t respect me when we talk about what to do with our money and then you buy a toy with it.”
  4. When criticizing your partner, use the “criticism sandwich.” This is a really simple technique where you start with PRAISE for your partner and talking about what you’re happy about, then go into the criticism, then go back to praise.For instance. . .“Things have been really good the last few months. I love that you’ve started calling me when you’re going to be late coming home from work and that we have these conversations more. The biggest thing that’s bothering me right now is money stuff. I know you really wanted that iPad mini, but we’re on a budget and you bought it without talking to me and I got really mad. But I also feel like you deserve to get fun stuff sometimes.”
  5. No interrupting your partner when they’re talking, no getting defensive or taking what they say as a personal attack. (Yes, it’s criticism, and a lot of us have a hard time taking criticism, but suck it up. You’re an adult.)
  6. Take turns going back and forth and going through the different problem topics in your relationship. These topics are going to be different for every couple, but here’s some to start with:
  • The day-to-day relationship – How do you both feel about the dayto day of your relationship? What are you happy about, what are you not happy about?
  • Money – How is money causing friction in your relationship?
  • Sex – Good? Bad? Ugly?
  • Other men/women – Jealousy issues. Is one of you being dis- respectful? Is one of you overreacting?
  • Kids – Child-rearing strategies. Who’s in charge of what? What do you want to see change?
  • The future – What goals do you have for your relationship? How do you feel about the future RIGHT NOW? (Say it with love. There is no forever.)Actually, this is REALLY important. You NEED to sit down and have a straight up conversation about where you both THINK you’re going and where you WANT to go.I got an email the other day from a woman who was INCREDIBLY bitter that she’d waited for a proposal from a guy for SEVEN YEARS and never got it. When I asked her if she’d ever flat out TOLD him how important it was to her to get married some day she said, “Well, no! He should KNOW that. I mean EVERYBODY wants that.”She dug her own grave on that one.
  • I recommend you have your topics listed out BEFORE the conversation.

An important point here is that you are NOT trying to resolve any- thing, here. You’re just having a conversation and being honest about who you are and where you both are together. Is this a jour- ney you want to keep taking? Are there things you want to work on? What’s REALLY working for you? What’s REALLY not working for you?

  1. It’s just as important to keep your tone low and reasonable and to avoid escalating into a fight.
  2. No matter what, it’s important you end your Brutal Honesty Date on a high note. You can either end it by listing out the reasons you love each other, by making out, by having sex, or any combination of the above. But do it.

Scary, huh? But effective.

Personally, my girlfriend and I do these dates every three months or so and use them as a way to reorient our relationship and keep us both from getting complacent.

 

5. When shit hits the fan 

Of course, no matter how much you inoculate your relationship, there are going to be times STUFF happens and you’re going to get triggered into a murderous rage or feel like you want to drown in tears.

Maybe somebody will cheat (cheating sucks, but it doesn’t HAVE TO kill your relationship).

Maybe you’ll find out you were lied to.
Maybe you’ll find out your partner is some kind of alien superhero.

Whatever. Stuff is going to happen. If you followed the rest of the steps and principals in this program, you’ll hopefully be able to. . .

  1. Realize that your partner’s actions aren’t REALLY about you and are almost never done to directly hurt you. Yes, your partner is going to do things that drive you nuts, cause you to feel sick, make you want to call your mother and cry and generally cause nausea.
  2. Realize that just because you FEEL something doesn’t mean you have to act on it or lash out about it. This is actually huge. The heat of the moment (when you found out your wife drunkenly made out with some guy at a bar or that your husband spent $2,000 on a guitar when you’re struggling to make rent) is the WORST time to actually get into it and discuss a problem. Yelling never really solves anything. Insults never solve anything. And throwing stuff (or hands) is just a great way to ruin whatever love you have left.
  3. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself about what you love about your partner (no matter how hard it might be). Use the Fight Trans- lator to figure out why you’re REALLY angry and what you’re really ready to go to war about.
  4. And then set up time where you can sit down and talk about the issue. It’s harder to be an adult. It’s harder to focus on love and what you like about your partner when you feel like they’re disrespecting you. But if you’re in this for the long haul, it’s all you can do.

And there we go. I want to thank you so much for going on this journey with me and helping me develop this material. I’d love to hear your thoughts on Never Fight Again and what I can do to improve it in the future. Please send your comments to reviews@digitalromanceinc.com. I promise I will read them.

 

Two Additional Pieces 

Just as a bonus, I’m including two other short pieces I wrote that I think are pertinent to this topic and conversation.

First is an article I wrote for my weekly newsletter called “How To Talk To A Man Without Starting A Fight.” (If you’d like, you can subscribe to the newsletter by going to https://www.digitalromanceinc.com.)

Second is a VERY personal piece I wrote for a friend’s online magazine. Honestly, it makes me damned uncomfortable sharing this, but how can I ask you to do the work unless I show you that I’ve done it myself first?